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Help Needed: Reception Ideas

A few weeks ago I asked for ideas on what posts readers would like to see and this was one of the responses:

“I’d love to see some ideas for components of a reception that would be fun (or at least not painful) for us, glorifying to God, and appreciated by a wide variety of guests.”

So today I’m opening this up to the readers for any and all ideas. I’ll write more on the topic later in the week, but for now, how would you answer this reader?

What are some fun reception ideas you’ve seen?

What about unique, meaningful elements?

How can you serve a variety of guests by not just focusing the reception on one demographic?

Thanks for your help!

Telling Your Story/Telling God’s Story

One of my favorite aspects of this book-writing process has been meeting fellow believers around the world who have, by God’s grace, done some pretty great things with their weddings. I met Alyssa Poblete through Twitter and she and her husband, Chris, agreed to let me post this video here.

The video was shown at the reception after the speeches. It was made by Lauren Myering and the first time Chris and Alyssa saw it was at the wedding.

Here are Alyssa’s comments on the purpose of the video:

“Each one of us has a story that is part of God’s bigger story and Chris and I wanted to take the opportunity to highlight that for our guests. The wedding video was a tool that Chris and I used to communicate the story of God’s absolute sovereignty in our lives and the abundant grace he has shown us. Many of our guests were loved ones that we only get to see every few years. For many of them, we are not sure if they know Jesus.”

Thanks, Alyssa and Chris, for sharing this!

Alternatives to the Bouquet and Garter Toss

Ulmer Studios Photography www.ulmerstudios.com

Melissa Marie Floral Design, courtesy of Ulmer Studios

Last week we discussed the reception “tossing traditions” and it would seem opinions abound on this topic. At the heart of the matter, as with all of life, is our motivation for what we do.

Sometimes, particularly with weddings, we include certain elements as a nod to tradition. So we looked at where these traditions came from. In my opinion, the origin of these traditions does not mandate they be included in your wedding. Really there are just a few things in your wedding that are necessary–for the rest, you get to choose!

So as you are making your decision, here are some alternative ideas:

* My new internet friend Tricia did not want to do the traditional bouquet toss so she said: “we made a ‘gift bouquet’ which I tossed to anyone/everyone at the reception. It had some flowers, a restaurant gift card, movie tickets, and movie snacks. We treated it as a big ‘thank you’ for attending our wedding and it was a huge hit. Our photographer said he’s never seen so many people vying for ‘the bouquet.’”

I think this is a great way to include everyone but still get the fun pictures of the bride tossing the bouquet if that’s something you want. It doesn’t single out any one group, or leave anyone on the fringes. And it’s a means of honoring those who chose to spend their day celebrating with you.’

* If you are having dancing I’ve seen couples have a special dance where they invite all the married couples to dance, then gradually have people sit down based on the amount of time they’ve been married. For instance, the emcee would ask those married 5 years or less to sit, then 10, 20, 30 and so on. At the end of the dance the couple married the longest is given the bouquet. This is such a beautiful idea and a great way to give testimony to what God has done in His faithfulness to these two people in their marriage. What a privilege to honor those who have kept their commitment to one another and God for 50+ years.

* We did not dance at our wedding (thankfully…I’m not particularly gifted in the rhythm department) so we modified this dance idea. We had everyone married for at least 25 years come to the middle of the room, then gradually counted up from there. The florist had saved me several long-stemmed roses and a small bouquet. So as we got to the final few couples we gave them each a flower, and gave the couple married the longest the bouquet.

Interestingly, people were not attentive to the cake-cutting or other reception components, but this was the one time everyone was focused on the same thing–the gift of marriage. Knowing the particular stories of the couples made it even richer for us, and I still cry watching this part of the wedding video. Erik and I were able to publicly honor his grandparents, who are two of the most amazing people I know. And I knew I would be giving the bouquet to my grandmother, whose husband of 57 years–my sweet grandfather–was unable to come because he was battling the cancer that would later defeat his earthly body.

It was a bittersweet, precious moment, and one of the most treasured of my wedding day.

* I have also heard of brides presenting the bouquet to an honored relative. It worked out for me that I could do both, knowing the person married the longest would be my grandmother. But had that not been the case we might have chosen to honor our grandparents anyway.

What else have you seen as alternatives to the tossing tradition? I would love to include other ideas in the book!

Christian Compartments, or Why We “Spiritualize” Things

'Mail slots' photo (c) 2009, Valerie Everett - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Since writing my post on bouquets and garters I have been thinking a lot on the idea of the sacred/secular split. Basically this is the idea that certain aspects of life are “sacred”–attending church, reading the Bible, prayer, evangelism–while other things are “secular”–sports, movies, non-Christian music, etc. This dichotomy presents itself in weddings as well. As Christians we easily say, “I want the ceremony to be sacred,” but assume the reception falls into the category of “secular.”

One of the things for which I am most grateful in life is my liberal arts education. At my college I was taught that all truth is God’s Truth, therefore we can apply a Christian worldview to all areas of life. It was something I began to take for granted, with “worldview” being the Sunday School answer to every college test question. But when I graduated and was no longer surrounded by believers who had been taught in the same way, I realized how rarely this line of thinking is taught in the Church.

It is so easy to see life as a series of compartments: the church compartment, the entertainment compartment, the exercise compartment, the friend compartment, the work compartment, etc. 

Francis Schaeffer wrote a good deal on this subject and in his writing he questioned how we as Christians view the Lordship of Christ. In essence, is He only Lord over our souls and the religious aspects of our life? Or is He Lord over all–our bodies, our minds and our souls? This kind of submission requires thought and prayer and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, though, which is really much harder than just making a list of “secular” activities that are, or are not, permissible for Christians.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband is a film guy. He loves movies, particularly redemptive dramas, including classic and foreign films. In the past several months he has begun hosting occasional “Manly Movie Nights,” in which he invites a few guys over, they watch a movie and then discuss it. At first this was a somewhat awkward thing, I think, as we are not really taught to think of movies as more than just entertainment. Yet as Erik began pointing out Christ-figures and redemptive elements in the movies, they became obvious to the guys viewing them as well.

At the same time I often hear people give Erik a hard time for “spiritualizing everything.” 

At the beginning of January my pastor preached a sermon in which he called us to look at our identity as Christians. He said we should be thinking every moment in every action that we belong to Christ and should therefore be living for Him. I was extremely convicted, knowing I could not look at 2012 and say, “This year belonged to Christ.”

The problem is we take this and say, “I am Christ’s so I shouldn’t watch R-rated movies or listen to non-Christian music.” But instead of taking every thought captive, we’re choosing not to think at all. Rather than watching Schindler’s List and examining it for truth and fallacy, we watch a “safe” Hallmark Hall of Fame movie that espouses “family values” with some watered-down picture of perfection for us to idolize. Rather than listening to and examining the lyrics and musicality of a Mumford and Sons album, we choose a romanticized, watered-down gospel in contemporary “Christian music.”

Or we feel free to watch and listen to whatever we want, but neglect to take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ. We don’t examine what we take in, but turn a movie on, turn off our brains and take it in without thinking.

I guess what I’m saying in this rant, which is more for me to get my thoughts out than for anyone else to read, is that we’ve been bought with a price. I don’t think I was bought by Christ’s precious blood so I could turn off my brain and choose to not think about art and culture and society. I wasn’t bought by Christ to look like the world, but I also wasn’t bought to sit at home and avoid the world.

I was bought to participate in the Kingdom work of redeeming culture through motherhood, writing, neighboring, reading, listening, examining. I was bought to worship God with every part of me. 

And you, you were bought for Kingdom work also. Therefore glorify God in your body, and heart, and mind and soul.

So in weddings, there really shouldn’t be this secular/sacred divide, as if somethings are “spiritual” and others are not. A wedding itself is a picture of a future reality–it is a hopeful portrait of our marriage with Christ. You are a spiritual being, you have been bought with a price, you are not your own. ”I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” (Rom. 12:1)

Your worship is your whole self, presented to God through His mercy and the work of His Son. You are an ambassador for Him, the aroma of Christ.

And when it comes to choosing whether or not to throw the bouquet or the garter or dance or drink or whatever, know you’re free. You’re free to do it, and you’re free not to. I shouldn’t tell you, because much depends on your particular circumstances. But know this–you have a new identity. You aren’t a slave to tradition or to other people’s expectations or opinions of you. You are a slave to Christ. And that is true freedom, leading to true JOY.

What do you think? Am I off-base? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this as I think through how to write about the big picture of weddings.

Tossing the Bouquet and the Garter – My Two Cents

'26 Pegs wedding throwing the bouquet' photo (c) 2009, Ed - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Thanks to all who participated in the survey on the bouquet and garter tosses. The results were actually really close between all three options, so obviously there are lots of opinions out there on this topic.

I am just going to be honest here and say the bouquet and garter toss are probably my least favorite things about weddings. I know, sometimes they can be really fun, but sometimes they can also be awkward for all parties involved.

The Bouquet

First, let’s look at the bouquet toss. It used to be somewhat customary for overly enthusiastic guests to rush at the bride in order to grab parts of her dress and accessories, including the herbs or flowers she might carry. So in order to preempt this, she would throw her flowers to the crowd to keep them at bay.

Now the bride throws her bouquet behind her back to a group of single ladies who are supposed to clamor for the honor of catching it, and the superstition that goes along with it—that the recipient will be the next to marry. In talking with several of my single friends, many of them have said the bouquet toss is the hardest thing about attending weddings. Once the emcee announces the bride will be throwing the bouquet, often a single woman is pushed and prodded by well-meaning friends and family out to the center of the floor, where she is expected to make a spectacle of herself in desperation for future marriage.

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Come on, lighten up, Parks. It’s just a bouquet toss.” True, and in your circumstances this may not be a problem, but I would encourage brides to ask their single friends and family members how they feel about it. It is difficult enough to attend a wedding when you are wondering if you will one day be celebrating your own marriage or when you have perhaps had a previous marriage that failed.

This is one area where I believe it is best to err on the side of caution out of respect for others. Singleness is not something that makes a person less-than, but rather a reflection of a sovereign God’s plan for someone’s life. The Church would benefit from honoring and celebrating the single believers in our lives who are actively serving and loving Him, rather than suggesting they should be sitting on the sidelines waiting for something else—something “better.”

The Garter

The garter toss comes from an old tradition called “bedding.” In this custom a crowd of people would follow the bride and groom from the wedding to the bridal chamber and would then remove the couple’s shoes, stockings and outer garments and tuck them into bed. After giving the bride and groom a cup of spiced wine and cheering loudly as they drank, the crowd would leave. Tradition has it the bride would choose to remove her garters before someone else could get to them and would then throw them to keep the crowd from getting too close. While (thankfully) the bedding custom died out in the eighteenth century, we now have the garter toss as a souvenir of the horrors of this old tradition.

In modern times the garter toss is an opportunity for grown men to fight over another man’s wife’s undergarment. I knew a guy who went to several weddings and made it his goal to collect the garter at each. He then hung them on his rearview mirror (classy), driving around with married women’s lacy underthings hanging in his car. Seeing that made me feel even more strongly about this subject.

Grooms, do not subject your wife to this, please. Whether you engage in some sensual de-gartering dance at the reception or just throw a garter your new wife hands you, you are, in essence, giving another man a piece of your wife’s intimate clothing. No honoring of tradition should mandate this.

Often it isn’t the grooms who care about it, but rather the brides who think it is traditional and should therefore be part of the reception program. My friend Amy said her husband did not want to do the garter toss, but since their photographer was encouraging it they went ahead. Her husband was, in Amy’s words, “mortified” when a toddler caught her garter. Of course the wedding guests laughed about it, but personally I think a picture of a groom and a toddler holding the bride’s lingerie is a little uncomfortable, and in retrospect she wished they had not done it.

So what do you think? Am I being overly critical of harmless traditions? 

Next week I will share some alternative ideas to the bouquet and garter tosses. If you have any to share, please let me know! I’ve really enjoyed the comments so far on this topic.

Book Survey – Throwing the Bouquet and Garter

'Bouquet toss' photo (c) 2008, John Mayer - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
As I write this book I continue to realize how tempting it is to just fill it with my opinions. But that is not the point of the book, and I pray and strive to make it not about me or what I think. At the same time, I cannot just shrug off my own thoughts without examining them to see why I think a certain way.

The beauty is I’m learning this applies to all areas of life–generally I think a certain way for one of two reasons: 1. It happens to be what I believe fits with a gospel-centered perspective and goal, or 2. It’s just my personal preference based on my own tastes (much of the time from selfishness).

I want my motivation in writing this book to always be Reason #1.

Over the next week or two I will be posting a bit about the bouquet and garter toss traditions, but first I would like to do a quick survey to see what YOU think–did you do one? Do you think they’re a good idea? Do they have any negative connotations for you?

I would be so grateful if you would take a quick minute to answer the question below.

AND, please leave comment or shoot me an email (catherinestrodeparks(at)gmail(dot)com) if you have more thoughts! Thanks so much.

Tim Keller on The Wedding at Cana

'The Wedding Feast at Cana in the Musee de Louvre' photo (c) 2004, edwin.11 - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
If you are in the process of planning a wedding I would like to commend to you this sermon by Tim Keller, titled “Lord of the Wine.” Keller looks at the passage from John 2 that describes Jesus’ first miracle at the wedding in Cana and shows how the work and words of Christ in this event foreshadow both His death and the wedding feast of the Lamb to come.

Keller states in this event that “Jesus is thinking about his wedding day…the consummation of all consummations. The ultimate union, the ultimate embrace, the wedding feast to end all wedding feasts.” Yet he is also thinking of what it will require to bring His Bride to Himself–He must drink the cup of the curse so we might drink the cup of blessing.

As I’m writing about wedding receptions I am continually drawn to imagine and rejoice in our forthcoming wedding feast with our true Bridegroom, the Lamb Who was slain. Our earthly receptions are a picture, however dim, of this future feast. Yet we can rejoice now because Christ did drink the cup. Whereas in Egypt the water turned to blood was a curse, in Christ His blood is a blessing.

The beauty of the gospel is this: Because of Christ,  ”You are not invited to obey a set of rules, you are invited to a feast. You are invited not just to know, but to experience it.”

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