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Why I Rarely Blog About Weddings (on a blog called “Don’t Waste Your Wedding”)

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Catherine Parks

Someone commented on a link to this blog from Facebook that I should start a new blog so they don’t have to go to a wedding blog to read my posts about non-wedding topics. It’s true–I’ve been writing a lot about things other than weddings. For a while I thought maybe I was just a little burned out on weddings. Once the book was finished I was excited to think about anything else. And as things come up and are on my heart, it’s natural to write about them.

But the more I thought about it, I realized the real reason I have a hard time blogging about weddings. Yes, I know. It’s a wedding blog. Clearly this is a problem. But I think it makes sense, and hopefully it will translate as I write about it here.

The nature of wedding blogs and books in general is to give couples ideas. This can be super helpful. You see something creative or unique, you “pin it,” implement it in your wedding planning and move on. I’m always impressed with wedding bloggers who build a substantial following. In my mind, it’s a marketing nightmare. You have readers who come to look at pretty pictures, get ideas, and then leave. Once the wedding is over, who cares about the wedding blog?

But in writing this book, my mom and I both felt strongly that we didn’t want it to be about “tips” for planning a Christian wedding. And the reasons for this are:

1. We could try to give a “Gospel-Centered Wedding Checklist.” Couples could follow it, checking off each task as they planned. But this would not guarantee what really matters. Because what really matters is the heart–a heart changed by the love of Christ and the grace of our great Father.

2. A true understanding of grace and the freedom of the gospel should lead to a gospel-centered wedding. But I had neither a true understanding nor a truly gospel-centered wedding. And so the book is far less about tips and ideas, and far more about the gospel. Because it has to be in that order. As God opens our eyes to the beauty of Christ’s perfect life, sacrificial death and glorious resurrection, it should change everything. Including our weddings.

3. A photographer friend said she is tired of shooting the same wedding every weekend. Sometimes all these tips and ideas we’re sharing and pinning end up making the rounds at every wedding. So what was maybe unique once is now standard issue. There’s nothing really wrong with this, but I believe God’s work in the lives of a bride and groom is far more interesting and glorious than the details we so easily obsess over. So I’m hesitant to share a lot of practical tips out of concern that we might create some sort of “gospel-centered wedding” culture that limits the freedom couples should have to express God’s grace in their own way.

So for these reasons, there aren’t a lot of tips on the blog. And to be honest, I have a hard time coming up with things to blog about that aren’t just practical. I know the practical stuff is helpful; I’m just hesitant for it to become law.

That being said, I’m hoping to post more regularly and more often about weddings.

But I’m always trying to balance the freedom of the gospel with the practical ideas people might want to read. And if a week (or two) go by without wedding posts, I apologize. I guess I’m still figuring out what this blog is.

Thanks for reading it, whatever it is.

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Help Needed: Reception Ideas

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Catherine Parks

A few weeks ago I asked for ideas on what posts readers would like to see and this was one of the responses:

“I’d love to see some ideas for components of a reception that would be fun (or at least not painful) for us, glorifying to God, and appreciated by a wide variety of guests.”

So today I’m opening this up to the readers for any and all ideas. I’ll write more on the topic later in the week, but for now, how would you answer this reader?

What are some fun reception ideas you’ve seen?

What about unique, meaningful elements?

How can you serve a variety of guests by not just focusing the reception on one demographic?

Thanks for your help!

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Choosing Your Wedding Attendants

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Catherine Parks

'Wedding group at Wynberg, New Farm' photo (c) 2010, State Library Queensland - license: http://www.flickr.com/commons/usage/

I’m finally getting back to the subject of choosing your wedding party, a topic suggested by a reader a couple of weeks ago.

I have talked to several women who say they look back at their wedding pictures and no longer have contact with many of their attendants. There are many reasons for this, but one of the common ones is that we tend to choose those people we are currently closest to, or those we promised we would choose years earlier.

Maybe in high school you and your best friends would talk about being in each other’s weddings. So when you get engaged, you feel as if you’re required to honor that decision you made 10 years earlier.

Or maybe you just graduated from college and have high school friends, college friends and family members to choose from and you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Or it could be that you’ve moved away from home, lost touch with some of your older friends, but still feel you should include them.

There is no real right or wrong decision here, but I would pose a few things to consider:

What is the purpose of having bridesmaids and groomsmen?

I like what my friend Sarah had to say about this:

I think that from a Christian perspective, the wedding party isn’t merely a group of close friends that you want to celebrate with you. They’re the people you ask to stand as witnesses to your covenant vows, and to encourage you in & hold you accountable to those vows in the future.

So your bridesmaids and groomsmen are the primary witnesses of your covenant. If they are to hold you accountable in the future that would necessitate an ongoing, close relationship.

Another reader pointed out the importance of choosing people you trust to plan parties for you, like the bachelor or bachelorette parties, if you choose to have them.

Should they be my age, single, married, older, younger?

Once again, there is no right or wrong answer here, but I like what Bill said about his decision:

When I chose groomsmen last year, I chose men who were brothers in Christ and had godly marriages so they would be able to hold me accountable to being a godly husband. Also, they were able to offer the encouragement and counsel that single men could not provide.

Depending on the situation, this of course is not always possible. You would not necessarily want to pass up on choosing your single brother just so you could have a married friend instead. But I think the idea is a valuable one. You can learn from and be encouraged by those who have the benefit of perspective during this process. They have been through it and know how to support you and pray for you.

Must they be Christians?

When I began writing the book, I assumed it was best to only have Christians in your wedding party. But I heard from a couple of brides who made the choice to include unbelieving siblings as bridesmaids. These couples chose this because it gave their siblings an opportunity to get a first-hand glance into the beauty of the gospel message as portrayed by a wedding ceremony. And they knew their other attendants were strong believers. They wanted their siblings to be around other Christ-followers.

I hope that is a helpful look at this topic. There are obviously many more things that could be said, but the truth is that it’s an opportunity for the bride and groom to sit down together and pray over this decision. Allow the other person to be in on the decision-making process for your own attendants. This will ensure that you have the same goal and desires in your choices.

Do you have any other thoughts on this topic? Any stories from your own wedding or a friend’s?

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Alternatives to the Bouquet and Garter Toss

Posted on February 8, 2013 by Catherine Parks
Ulmer Studios Photography www.ulmerstudios.com

Melissa Marie Floral Design, courtesy of Ulmer Studios

Last week we discussed the reception “tossing traditions” and it would seem opinions abound on this topic. At the heart of the matter, as with all of life, is our motivation for what we do.

Sometimes, particularly with weddings, we include certain elements as a nod to tradition. So we looked at where these traditions came from. In my opinion, the origin of these traditions does not mandate they be included in your wedding. Really there are just a few things in your wedding that are necessary–for the rest, you get to choose!

So as you are making your decision, here are some alternative ideas:

* My new internet friend Tricia did not want to do the traditional bouquet toss so she said: “we made a ‘gift bouquet’ which I tossed to anyone/everyone at the reception. It had some flowers, a restaurant gift card, movie tickets, and movie snacks. We treated it as a big ‘thank you’ for attending our wedding and it was a huge hit. Our photographer said he’s never seen so many people vying for ‘the bouquet.’”

I think this is a great way to include everyone but still get the fun pictures of the bride tossing the bouquet if that’s something you want. It doesn’t single out any one group, or leave anyone on the fringes. And it’s a means of honoring those who chose to spend their day celebrating with you.’

* If you are having dancing I’ve seen couples have a special dance where they invite all the married couples to dance, then gradually have people sit down based on the amount of time they’ve been married. For instance, the emcee would ask those married 5 years or less to sit, then 10, 20, 30 and so on. At the end of the dance the couple married the longest is given the bouquet. This is such a beautiful idea and a great way to give testimony to what God has done in His faithfulness to these two people in their marriage. What a privilege to honor those who have kept their commitment to one another and God for 50+ years.

* We did not dance at our wedding (thankfully…I’m not particularly gifted in the rhythm department) so we modified this dance idea. We had everyone married for at least 25 years come to the middle of the room, then gradually counted up from there. The florist had saved me several long-stemmed roses and a small bouquet. So as we got to the final few couples we gave them each a flower, and gave the couple married the longest the bouquet.

Interestingly, people were not attentive to the cake-cutting or other reception components, but this was the one time everyone was focused on the same thing–the gift of marriage. Knowing the particular stories of the couples made it even richer for us, and I still cry watching this part of the wedding video. Erik and I were able to publicly honor his grandparents, who are two of the most amazing people I know. And I knew I would be giving the bouquet to my grandmother, whose husband of 57 years–my sweet grandfather–was unable to come because he was battling the cancer that would later defeat his earthly body.

It was a bittersweet, precious moment, and one of the most treasured of my wedding day.

* I have also heard of brides presenting the bouquet to an honored relative. It worked out for me that I could do both, knowing the person married the longest would be my grandmother. But had that not been the case we might have chosen to honor our grandparents anyway.

What else have you seen as alternatives to the tossing tradition? I would love to include other ideas in the book!

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An Open Letter to My Engaged Friends

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Catherine Parks

'Engagement Ring' photo (c) 2009, Tela Chhe - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Back in the winter of 2004 I thought Christmas or New Year’s Eve would be the perfect time for a proposal. However, my now husband, then boyfriend, did not pick up on all my not-subtle-at-all hints, or, more likely, did not care about them because he had another plan. He did, obviously, propose eventually and completely surprised me. But in my mind the holidays seemed so right for it. It would seem I’m not alone because my Facebook and Twitter feeds over the past few weeks have been full of engagement announcements.

So lately I’ve been thinking, “What do I wish someone had told me the morning after I became engaged?” What is it I really needed to hear, but didn’t? Many things could be said here, but I will just write a few in the hopes that they will encourage and aid those currently planning a wedding. Note: I’ve talked before and will continue to stress the importance of planning for marriage over planning your wedding. There is no substitute for good pre-marital counseling with a local pastor who loves Christ and will ask you the tough questions to help you prepare for life together. This blog post does not delve into the subject, but rather addresses wedding-planning specifically.

1. Pinterest and wedding websites are your Frenemies

I am so thankful Pinterest wasn’t around when I was planning my wedding. Don’t get me wrong–there are lots of benefits to the site and I use it frequently. Yet the amount of pressure that brides put on themselves (and on others) to have the most creative, DIY-infused, original wedding due to what they see on this and other sites is just crushing. Ironically, all that work for originality ends up looking like another “Pinteresting” (one of my hubby’s favorite terms) wedding. In the end it’s very hard to live up to the expectations brides create based on what they see on Pinterest and other sites, so many either fight disappointment or just increase the budget to try to achieve perfection. In reality, many of the things seen on Pinterest are actually “style shoots”–images taken from fake weddings designed to inspire brides to incorporate aspects of the shoot into their weddings. But what we actually see is a kind of perfection we hope to recreate.

So you just got engaged. Take a Pinterest hiatus for a few days or weeks. Sit down with your fiance and pray about your wedding. Ask what he wants, and how much involvement he wants. Talk about the purpose of your wedding. Is it your chance to try for perfection? Is it a day to show off? Is it about you? Or is there more? Do you want big or small, day or night, indoor or outdoor, ring bearer dog or flower cat (please no. never.)?  Pray you will be able to filter out what is not helpful or realistic in the planning process. And pray for the right motives and focus during the process.

2. Whose wedding is it anyway?

Conventional wisdom is that the wedding is for the bride and groom (let’s be honest…the bride) and thus decisions should be made around what they want. It doesn’t take too many wedding planning reality show viewings to realize weddings are a hotbed of familial strife. They truly bring out the worst in just about everyone involved. I have seen typically calm, mild-mannered women turn into something scary over dresses or arguments about who will be the maid of honor. How many times do we hear, “Well it’s my wedding–this only happens once so I want it to be perfect,” or “It’s all about you”? In fact, this is the marketing message of the wedding industry.

People, do not believe this lie. I Corinthians 6:19,20 says, “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” While this passage is mainly talking about sexual immorality, the principle applies pretty much everywhere. “You are not your own.” If you have trusted Christ, you have been bought with a price. Yes, your wedding is a day for you and your fiance. But just as every day is a chance to glorify God, how much more is your wedding day?

May your wedding be a chance to proclaim His glory–to one another, to friends and family, believers and nonbelievers. Your wedding can be just about you, or it can be about God’s amazing grace in your lives–the grace that will sustain you throughout your marriage. It can be an opportunity for friends and family to worship you and your awesome DIY centerpieces, or a chance to lead others to the cross, where true worship happens.

3. In light of eternity…

Now don’t think I’m saying you shouldn’t spend time and money on your wedding. Every couple will have a different budget, so I’m not even touching that subject, but there is a certain filter to which we can subject some of these decisions. A friend told me someone had given her a great perspective on wedding planning. Our tendency is to go to extremes–either tons of money and time spent on planning, or we think this is wrong so we should therefore do very little. Yet this friend said it’s an opportunity to plan a worship service–a time to celebrate God for His grace, provision and amazing love. This kind of celebration deserves some time and money, and it’s right to spend what we can budget. This is a good thing.Yet all things come back to the motives of our hearts. I wish I could go back and ask myself, “Am I doing this in humble worship of God, or so others will THINK I’m doing it in humble worship?” Sadly many of my decisions came down to the latter.

So how do you decide how much is too much, or what to spend money and time on? I think the answer is the same no matter what stage of life you’re in. In light of eternity, does this matter? An eternal mindset changes everything. And don’t mistake this for some super-serious, no-fun kind of event. Christians should be having the most fun as we have the most to rejoice in. But if it comes down to deciding between hand-rolling 500 paper flowers or hand-writing letters of encouragement to your attendants, in light of eternity the decision seems much simpler.

4. Don’t force people to make excuses for you

Many times when people close to us get engaged, they go through this weird transformation. Maybe they aren’t exactly Bridezilla, but they are no longer the people we thought we knew. Girls previously devoted to building friendships and making disciples and growing in their faith are now consumed by wedding planning and can talk of nothing else. We quickly say, “Well after the wedding she’ll be back to normal,” or, “Well this is a very stressful time for her.” Because of the increase in commitments and responsibility, other things take a back seat–church involvement, friendships, service opportunities.

I love what my friend Janaye had to say about this: “Doesn’t it seem like when one is preparing for the most mysterious and fantastic picture God has given of our relationship with Him, we should spend more time with Christ, more time with the Church, more time in the Word?” Let this time be characterized by a deepening of relationships, rather than a focus on self. Ask those closest to you to hold you accountable and gently confront you if you start going wedding-crazy, and pray together for the right focus. May God be glorified in and through you!

These are just a few tips–things I wish someone would have told me, (although in truth I’m not sure at the the time that I would have listened). What would you add to this list?

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Real Wedding: George and Becky

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Catherine Parks

If you’re planning a wedding and wish you could sit down with a wise newlywed couple and ask their advice, this is the post for you. Today’s post is the first in a series of Real Wedding features.

I first heard about George and Becky through one of their pastors, Deepak Reju, who officiated their wedding at their home church, Capitol Hill Baptist in Washington, D.C. They graciously agreed to answer a questionnaire for book research for my mom and me, and gave some great insight into their gospel-focused wedding plans.

Then several weeks ago my friend Sarah of Ampersand Photography featured George and Becky’s wedding on her blog. So worlds collided and we now have some beautiful images to go along with a gorgeous, Christ-centered wedding. I could probably do three or four posts on this wedding, but will try to keep myself under control. And be sure to read to the bottom so you can see all the pictures.

The couple wanted their wedding to be a “celebratory worship service,” and this comes through in many of their decisions.

We asked how they chose to focus on the gospel in various elements of their wedding, and here are some of their answers:

Wedding Programs

Our church asks that you print all of the words to any scripture readings/songs and if possible the biblical text being used for the wedding sermon. It was explained to us by Deepak as a way of presenting the gospel to each guest and allowing them to take it away with them at the end of the service.

The back of the program noted how we will leave to honeymoon and return to make our home in D.C. together but that Heaven is our eternal home, and how our greatest joy and affections for each other pale in comparison to God’s eternal grace for sinners in the life and death of his son, Jesus Christ. We wanted our programs to magnify Christ’s graciousness to us, sinners saved by grace, and be beautiful for their purpose.

Music

Our church has many helpful guidelines for weddings that take place in the church. One of these is that the wedding ceremony is treated as a worship service and therefore corporate singing is a part of each ceremony. We loved this and were so happy to incorporate our favorite hymns into the service. We sang as a congregation the following songs: Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, The King of Love, Praise to the Lord, the Almighty. Becky walked down the aisle to The King of Love (instrumental) as it is her favorite hymn. After we kissed, the recessional song was There is a Happy Land. We loved keeping the focus on beautiful songs depicting even more beautiful truth, the truth of God’s love for sinners, the hope we have for eternity, and salvation that comes through faith in Christ.

Sermon

Deepak preached on Ephesians 5:21-33, which speaks about marriage and the gospel. It was a clear teaching that we wanted Deepak to use to teach us on that day our marriage began, and also a great way of distinguishing Christian marriage from this world’s misrepresentations of love and commitment. We were eager to hear this message, but also eager for some of our unbelieving family and friends to hear the good news of Jesus Christ and God’s purposes in marriage.

Advice for Couples

Focus on the ceremony, it is the ceremony that is the most meaningful part and gives you the greatest opportunity to share the gospel. We were blessed to have generous parents who made a lovely reception possible, but we both remark often that the most meaningful part of the day for us was the ceremony not the party afterwards! Focus on the truth of God’s Word for your marriage, not the table settings or color choices!

Short engagements are better than long engagements! We were engaged in early August and married the following January…a nearly 5 1/2 month engagement and by having a short engagement we were able to accomplish the necessary, without giving way to over-thinking the details that can be unnecessary.

Regarding money: Stress can come by having endless supplies of money and having too many possibilities while not having a gospel focus, or it can come by having limited or no funds and choosing to believe the world’s message that identity comes through weddings not Christ. 

Special thanks to George and Becky for allowing me to feature your wedding, and for the great advice you’ve shared! And thanks to Sarah for the gorgeous images!

If you would like to recommend a wedding to be featured in a Real Weddings post, please fill out the form here. It can be your own wedding or you can submit someone else’s. Thanks!

Vendors

Photographer: Ampersand Photography

Caterer: The Sweet Lobby

Floral Designer: Greenworks by Shane

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Take the Money and Run?

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Catherine Parks

'Take the Money and Run' photo (c) 2012, James Cohen - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/Wedding planning advice is everywhere. And I mean everywhere. If you’re planning a wedding, you know what I mean. Your friends, family members and even complete strangers have no shortage of well-meaning tips they just know you need to hear. Ranging from ideas on saving money to saving sanity, some will be helpful, some not so much. It’s like the stranger who wants to touch a pregnant woman’s belly and give her home-remedies for any pregnancy-related health issues. Sometimes you wish well-meaning people would not share quite so much.

And then you’ll have that one friend. I think everyone has this person in her life. The one who did not enjoy her wedding planning experience and will urge you to elope. “You’ll be so much happier—just take the money and run.” I had that friend. In her defense, her wedding planning experience truly was a nightmare, full of conflict and strife. All she really wanted was to be married and she did not want to be bothered with a wedding. (And to compound the problem, I managed to spread a horrible cold to the bride and groom a day before the wedding. This was not exactly found in the Maid of Honor duties list).

This feeling of wanting to get past the wedding is totally understandable, and that time will probably come in every couple’s experience. But that is a good thing. If you aren’t wishing the wedding date to come quickly, this is probably not a good sign for your marriage. And you will be just as married whether the wedding is performed in a cathedral or a Vegas wedding chapel.

Yet I believe there are good, legitimate reasons for actually planning a wedding. For one thing, it gives you a trial run on handling conflict and making decisions together. One of you wants to walk out of the ceremony to “Ode to Joy,” while the other thinks “I’ve Got You Babe” is a more appropriate choice. How are you going to resolve that? This is practice for the whole of your marriage.

There are several other reasons why planning a wedding can be a good thing, and I hope to explore many of them here in the future. However, the primary reason is that Christ-centered weddings reveal the glory of the gospel to everyone involved. You have the opportunity to build the foundation of your marriage, an institution created for the purpose of proclaiming the gospel (Eph. 5), by doing just that—proclaiming the gospel. What an exciting way to begin a marriage!

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